The Power To Change
On 5th November 2022, I will be celebrating 34 years of sobriety, the letting go of addiction to alcohol, which I achieved by following the 12-step programme, complemented with therapeutic support. This is one huge elephant of an achievement.
Each year on or around the 5th November, I organise a special treat day out to help mark the accomplishment of reaching another anniversary of my sobriety. This year I am spending the day at Hay-on-Wye. Bookshops galore amongst a beautiful healing backdrop of trees and mountains. I will enjoy a special lunch with lots of cake and coffee stops.
This is my way of saying ‘Well done Eva.’
When everyone else is celebrating Bonfire night with fireworks, I am acknowledging another year of staying sober and all those who’ve supported me along the way. This has not been an easy journey, so for me it’s worth having a ritual to celebrate this success. I remind myself of where I’ve come from, what I chose to leave behind, and how I need to keep on keeping on in my journey of sobriety.
I am prompted, every year, by the lights and the bangs to be grateful for my sobriety. The sound of the fireworks reminds me what I left behind – the pickling of my organs in malt whiskey and red wine, and occasionally the odd bottle of Nicaraguan rum. My did that go down well!!!!
Today I have the pleasure of calling myself ‘a healthy adult’ who has found within myself the power to change. I have survived a sexually abusive family environment, followed by years of self abuse and addiction, rooted in deep-seated feelings of shame. My childhood abuse was a deep, dark secret that I could not reveal to anybody.
I grew up with feelings of self-disgust, which remained with me as an adult. This is the key ingredient in the breeding ground of shame. I never felt good enough.
Shame based feelings create a victim mentality. I felt different from other people, as if I were the only person that this was happening to, which created deep feelings of isolation and loneliness. As I grew up, I carried around with me an internal bubbling rage, which caused me to distrust and despise those around me, especially those who appeared to be ‘normal.’
It was 34 years ago, on 5th November 1988 that I took the most courageous step of my life and made a conscious commitment to seek help and support with my alcohol addiction, my intense self-hatred and the destructive relationships I created – all to keep my painful emotions locked away.
I found somewhere within me a yearning for a different way. For a life of competence, love, dignity, self-respect and in simple terms – a life that befits a human being. One which I began to feel I deserved. I had had enough. That was 34 years ago and I now believe passionately that I am deserving of safe boundaries, healthy relationships, inner well-being – all of which I have created in my life today.
Now I stand with my head high, as I have taken off the coat of shame that cloaked me for a large chunk of my life.
My story shows how it is possible to survive and indeed thrive, despite the most difficult circumstances.
In my experience, the key to finding the power to change is getting to that place when you want to scream – ‘Enough, I am worth more than this.’ My story stands as testimony that there is a different way, a different path. A way out where you too can survive and thrive and live at peace with yourself.
Finding the courage to heal and the power to change involves daring to speak out, to free ourselves from secrets and shame. To free ourselves from other people’s expectations and reach out for supportive help and encouragement.
I write this well-being blog as a means of support on a path to finding the power to change and create a healthy, shame free future for yourselves. By sharing my experience. strength and hope with you, my purpose is to show that if I can do it, anyone can do it.
Author of memoir ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity.’
Available at www.amazon.co.uk and www.browndogbooks.uk