Finding The Courage to Forgive

This subject is huge and one that I have found immensely difficult to put into practice. What I have learned is that until I found the courage to forgive myself and others for wrongs real or imagined, I could not find peace in  my life.

Becoming sober at the age of 38 and working the 12 step programme was the beginning of this journey for me. I undertook a ‘moral inventory’ of my life.

This involved making a list of all the people I had harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all.

Accepting this process with complete honesty and without any justification or excuses for my behaviour paved the way to clearing my conscience and developing a better understanding of myself.

If something I had done in the past had left me with profound guilt, then the name of the person that I had hurt went onto the list. This meant that I could avoid repeating the same mistakes. I could say to myself with my head held high – ‘ I am the sort of person who did these things but today I choose a different way of living.’

I am not responsible for the patterns I picked up in childhood but as an adult I am absolutely responsible for fixing them and not repeating such behaviours.

Forgiveness and making amends is a way of making peace and healing our relationships with ourselves and others. A way of making peace with our past.

We begin to feel good about the way we behave in relationships and can release ourselves from conduct we feel uncomfortable with.

I cannot stress enough that forgiveness of each person who has harmed us is a crucial part of this process. We forgive ourselves first and foremost for all our indiscretions. Then we can set about forgiving those who have harmed us in some way. This is for our own benefit and for no other reason.

We have to free ourselves of all the resentment, hatred and anger we have felt towards another human being. This is the inner poison that has been harming us. Our resentments damage our own well-being.

If someone has harmed us and we have not dealt with the incident, then we are not at peace with ourselves. This is a huge step if you have been abused as a child. Before I could forgive my father for the abuse he inflicted, I had to work through my feelings of rage and unfairness.

My goal was one of acceptance for what had happened and this required owning my own power to take care of myself today and ensure that I did not allow myself to be abused again. I had to learn to establish boundaries and learn to say no. To let go of a victim mentality.

Forgiving a person does not give them permission to continue the inappropriate treatment. I chose to confront my father about the abuse as a way of reclaiming my own power as an adult.

Forgiveness can fill us with compassion and rids us of resentments. We all have limitations and imperfections. As the Buddhist teachings tell us – hate is not healed by hate.

Finding the courage to forgive does not mean condoning what has been done or not done, or making excuses for that behaviour. It is about releasing ourselves from the heartache and pain of holding onto the hurt and outrage we have felt.

When we have forgiveness we do not hold expectations of any outcomes. As Melody Beattie says – ‘Healing begins with us.’

Author of memoir, ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity.’

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