Our Best Is Good Enough

If you judge yourself with harsh criticism, going over and over all the things you think you’ve done wrong, or that haven’t gone well, then you will benefit from having a mantra of ‘I am good enough.’ Feeling that you’re simply not good enough can affect every area of your life, as it has mine.

As I have a default position of ‘I can’t do that’ I am often stopped in my tracks by my fear of ‘just not being good enough.’ This has held me back from fulfilling my potential on many occasions.

Aiming to do my best has always been a double-edged sword for me. To overcome the low self-worth that I grew up with, as a result of childhood sexual abuse by my father, I created an outer shell of achievement that became my hiding place.

I always had to strive to ‘be the best’- which is subtly different from ‘doing my best.’ It started at junior school, where I always had to be top of the class.

Any child who has grown up in a shame environment caused by experiencing childhood trauma as result of consistent abuse, especially if that abuse is from a main care giver, will tend to feel inside that there is something fundamentally wrong with them – or these things just wouldn’t have happened.

I became convinced my survival depended on my achievements because I felt so worthless inside. Always another goal to reach. As an adult I achieved a First Class Honours undergraduate degree and a Distinction in my master’s degree. But this didn’t make me feel any better.

Running one London Marathon wasn’t enough - I had to run three. Even though I found the last two somewhat grueling!

Keeping up this standard I’d set for myself became harder and harder. Until I chose to seek some therapeutic support and realised what an impossible task I had established for myself.

Eventually I understood that this constant striving to be successful was as a result of my fear that one day I would be found out. People would realise that I was an imposter and would be able to see that inside I felt worthless.

To improve my mental well-being, I chose to develop a ‘Good Enough’ strategy in all areas of my life. I no longer had to strive to be the best. Being good enough was an acceptable way forward. As a result, my life has become much easier and less stressful.  

For me, being good enough means the ability to live a meaningful and satisfying life. As my first sponsor said – ‘aim for a life of dignity that befits a human being.’

So, each day I do my best to check out what direction I am moving in. Does my plan for this day move me forward in the required direction? Does it help me to take a step forward in achieving what I want from this ‘one precious life?’

Of course, there are days when I simply cannot move forward and I need to stand still. Take care of myself and have a pyjama day.

Synthesis in life involves taking into account the whole person. We need to accept all the parts of ourselves and the feelings we experience, rather than trying to shove down or discard the ones we don’t like. As Blake said: ‘joy and woe are woven fine.’

To achieve a ‘good enough’ mindset, focus on what you want to happen, and what you already have in your life rather than the opposites. Self respect is being mentally faithful to yourself.

Avoid judging yourself with harsh disapprobation, going over and over all the things you think you’ve done wrong, or that didn’t go well

When the negative voices start attacking your capabilities and criticizing you, bring your attention back to all the things you have done that were satisfactory. And then you can say  ‘I do my best and I let go of the outcome.’

What I’ve discovered is that separating our achievements from our inner worth is essential, for our well-being. We are not our exam results. We are not our performance. We are not our successes or failures. Instead, aim simply to be a good enough person who does their best. And that is good enough.

This means accepting that we are good enough exactly as we are. 

As Leonard Cohen said in his song, ‘The Anthem’ -

“Forget your perfect offering.

 There is a crack, a crack in everything

That’s how the light gets in.”

Author of ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity’

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