Imposter Syndrome Club
Have you been driven into the ground by your pursuit of perfection?
Do you fear that one day you’re going to be ‘found out’?
Do you feel that if you stopped working so hard to succeed in everything that you do, others will discover that you’re not as good as people think you are?
Welcome to the imposter syndrome club.
Aiming to do my best has always been a double-edged sword for me. To overcome the low self-worth that I grew up with, as a result of childhood sexual abuse by my father, I created an outer shell of achievement that became my hiding place.
I always had to strive to ‘be the best’- which is subtly different from ‘doing my best.’ It started at junior school, where I always had to be top of the class.
Eventually I understood that this constant striving to be successful was because of my fear that one day I would be found out. People would realise that I was an imposter and would be able to see that inside I felt worthless.
Any child who has grown up in a shame environment caused by experiencing childhood trauma as result of consistent abuse, especially if that abuse is from a main care giver, will tend to feel inside that there is something fundamentally wrong with them – or these things just wouldn’t have happened.
I became convinced my survival depended on my achievements because I felt so worthless inside. Always another goal to reach. As an adult I achieved a First-Class Honours undergraduate degree and a Distinction in my master’s degree. But this didn’t make me feel any better.
Running one London Marathon wasn’t enough - I had to run three. Even though I found the last two somewhat grueling!
Keeping up this standard I’d set for myself became harder and harder. Until I chose to seek some therapeutic support and realised what an impossible task, I had established for myself.
As I have a default position of ‘I can’t do that’ I am often stopped in my tracks by my fear of ‘just not being good enough.’ This has held me back from fulfilling my potential on many occasions. Today, I am able to push past this self-negating attitude by saying ‘I’ll try that’ and having some compassion for myself.
Self-compassion can lead to feelings of optimism and gratitude. No one can feel confident all of the time. Occasional self-doubt is natural. It doesn’t make you an imposter.
To improve my mental well-being, I chose to develop a ‘Good Enough’ strategy in all areas of my life. I no longer had to strive to be the best. Being good enough was an acceptable way forward. As a result, my life has become much easier and less stressful.
For me, being good enough means the ability to live a meaningful and satisfying life. As my first sponsor said – ‘aim for a life of dignity that befits a human being.’
To achieve a ‘good enough’ mindset, focus on what you want to happen, and what you already have in your life rather than the opposites. Self-respect is being mentally faithful to yourself.
Avoid judging yourself with harsh disapprobation, going over and over all the things you think you’ve done wrong, or that didn’t go well.
When the negative voices start attacking your capabilities and criticizing you, bring your attention back to all the things you have done that were satisfactory. And then you can say ‘I do my best and I let go of the outcome.’ Then you can tear up your Imposter syndrome club membership!
What I’ve discovered is that separating our achievements from our inner worth is essential, for our well-being. We are not our exam results. We are not our performance. We are not our successes or failures. Instead, aim simply to be a good enough person who does their best.
This means accepting that we are good enough exactly as we are.
As Leonard Cohen said in his song, ‘The Anthem’ -
“Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack, a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.”
Author of ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity’
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