Develop Realistic Expectations
Expectations can limit our experiences. And life is too short to let that happen.
When an outcome does not match up to our expectations, this can have a huge effect on our equilibrium and mental well-being,
I will always remember my 60th birthday. It felt like a big milestone and I had made careful plans as to how this day would go. I was spending the day in Glastonbury with my dear friend Linda. This felt like the ideal place to hold a ritual celebration.
We would share our life’s hopes, dreams and vision for the future. What we would like to keep in our lives and what we wanted to let go of. All of this was written on balloons and the idea was to let go of these things in our lives, as the balloons floated upwards into the skies.
Needless to say, the day did not live up to my high and unrealistic expectations.
What I didn’t take account of was that I was actually feeling low and sad. My mind was telling me ‘I should feel happy on this big birthday.’ Oh, the tyranny of ‘shoulds!’
The day was very cold and snowy – it was the 14th of January after all. Mid winter. Not a day for hanging around the Abbey. So, in a freezing atmosphere we wrote on our balloons and then realised they wouldn’t float away. I had bought the wrong balloons. And there was no wind to carry them away. We tried to burst them against the Abbey wall – to no avail.
We gave up on the balloons and ended up in the high street. Surrounded by people, standing outside a church, we lit our candles and had a mini-ritual. Became quite a flop as expectations go. We were able to see the funny side of how the day had panned out. We just had to laugh.
What I could have done was yes have some plans, but then let go of the outcome and allow room for the not knowing. Just be curious about what might happen. That way I would not have been so disappointed.
We forget that we are powerless over people, places and things. Instead of just letting things happen, we try and control outcomes with our expectations.
We can also hold certain unrealistic expectations about how people respond to us, especially if we want most people to like us all the time. With such an anticipation, we are setting ourselves up to fail, and as a result of our needs not being met in this way, we can develop resentments against others. Resentments can weigh heavy upon us. They can poison our well-being and destroy our joy. This can have a detrimental effect on our relationships.
It is best for our own mental well-being to let go of our expectations about how other people should feel about us. Instead of blaming others, we can practice self-care and remember that we are OK exactly as we are. We can be gentle and loving to ourselves, with compassion, when we feel disappointed with other people’s reactions to us.
If our self-expectations are unrealistically high, it can be hard to acknowledge any progress we are making. When this happens, we can become very down on ourselves and remonstrate that we are simply not doing well. If we always feel that we should be making progress in a particular area much quicker than is actually happening, we are making life difficult for ourselves.
Aiming for perfection can be so disappointing. What matters is that we are moving in the right direction. We would benefit in cutting ourselves some slack in this constant striving for things to be different than they are.
Learning to adjust our expectations and accept whatever happens, lessens the likelihood of disappointment and resentments. Both of which can damage our mental-health and well-being.
The key is to shift our own attitudes and do our best to stop trying to control outcomes, be that with people, places or things.
The secret of serenity is to remember that nothing is either just good or bad. That is unhelpful black and white thinking. If we can develop realistic expectations, we are able to move forward into the unknown and learn to let go of the outcome.
Author of ‘ Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity’
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