Focusing On Ourselves

Believe in your ability to heal. Validate your own experiences and feelings. Value your own humanity. This is the essence  of focusing on ourselves.

Often when we become fixated on the lives of others, it is because we have a low opinion of ourselves. We think we don’t matter. The ‘other’ is more important. This way of thinking is harmful to our well-being.

We benefit from viewing our own lives as valid and important. This can give us more serenity in our lives. We can develop more peace when we stop concentrating on the sayings and doings of other people.

If I am caught up in what I think others should or shouldn’t do, I have lost my humility. I think I know best. I realise when I am too absorbed in the behaviours and actions of others, it is because I am avoiding looking at myself.

As quoted in the Al-Anon book ‘Courage to Change’ – ‘the greatest gift I can give to myself is my own attention.’  

Today, I make my own recovery my top priority. And I do my best to cease worrying about what other people are doing, thinking or saying. We are all just trying to do our best. I let others be who they are with all their foibles.

I  have had to learn in my sobriety journey that I am not responsible for the choices that others make. This way I am more able to treat others with dignity and respect .I have enough to do in each day to keep my own life on track as I focus on my own well-being.

Another quote I love from ‘Courage to Change’ is –

“Today I take an active role in fulfilling my needs. I can choose to become someone I would want to have in  my life.”

If we pay attention to what we are doing and let go of our concern for the outcomes, we are able to stay in the present.

When I was advised by a wise mentor to focus on myself, I thought this would make me uncaring and self-obsessed. However I soon realised that I can focus on myself and still be a loving, caring person. It’s all about balance. Finding the appropriate levels and staying centred. 

As I have said many times to myself as a reminder for my own wellbeing- I am powerless over people, places and things. The only control I do have is over my own life. This means that I have had to learn to let go of other people’s problems and trying to fix them. I can find my own sanity and contentment, no matter what people are doing around me.

Many of us react rather than act. When we feel hurt, it can be an automatic response to lash out and hurt someone else. We do have the power within us to interrupt this reaction. We can step back for a moment before engaging in  hasty, unhelpful behaviour. This pause can give us a chance to reflect and decide how we actually want to behave.

Regardless of what other people do, we can take responsibility for our own actions. This can help to calm ourselves and enable us to think twice about what we want to do in any situation. We can act in ways that help us to be a human being that we can be proud of.

Every day we can take our own inventory, as is advised in the 12 step programmes,

We can review our behaviours and assess what needs to be improved. We can admit to ourselves and others when we have made mistakes. And we can do our best in the day not to repeat those mistakes.

Knowing and respecting our own values and integrity keeps us afloat. This is achieved by maintaining the focus on ourselves, as we look at the options available to us and consider what is in our power to change.

Author of ‘ Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity’

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