Becoming Emotionally Mature (Part Three)
Well, this is Part Three of the ‘Becoming Emotionally Mature’ series. If you’ve missed any of them – Part Two (24th November) and Part One (17th November) are available to read on the website
Hope you’re finding lots to think about. I’ve had some good feedback about nuggets of wisdom being found, which is always good to hear. If any of you feel like leaving comments please do by email/ on website/ or facebook – I always like to receive your thoughts. Keeps me going.
Writing about emotional maturity these past weeks has made me realise that the topic is like a synopsis of all the blogs I’ve produced so far. As I’ve said before this is a big area and one thing to keep in mind is the art of progress not perfection.
We are not aiming to achieve perfection in any area of our lives. Instead we can develop a ‘good enough’ strategy. If our expectations are unrealistically high and we require our unhelpful behaviours to disappear, or change completely and quickly, we are likely to be disappointed.
I used to set myself such excessive standards that I burnt out trying to achieve them. I grew up with such low self-worth as a result of the sexual abuse by my father, I felt that I always had to be the best in all areas of my life and of course eventually fell short. I had to be first in the class at school. I had to obtain a first class honours degree at University. I had to achieve a Distinction in my Masters degree. I wanted to be popular wherever I went. I pushed myself to the limits.
Alcohol became my way through and eventually addiction took over. Until I found the courage to reach out for help and recover. I had to learn the hard way that being good enough in all areas of my life was a healthy way forward.
Small steps in the right direction build up to valuable life changes over time. I no longer strive for perfection. It is so tiring and depleting. Instead I compare my present circumstances with the way I have been in the past. Today I am content with where I stand. I am ok in my own skin. And that is good enough.
As I was advised by my AA sponsor, I can learn the satisfaction of small, steady and sustainable progress.
Another tip for well-being that I have learned is to appreciate life’s simple gifts. It seems to be raining forever and then suddenly the sun comes out and there are the blue chinks of sky, I mentioned last week. Those small moments of grace that can lift our spirits.
I live in a beautiful part of the country – the Brecon beacons and each morning wake up to a heart- lifting view of the mountains. Sometimes, I am trudging along face down to the pavement with the worries of everyday life weighing me down. My daughter who used to be a Buddhist nun and is quite wise, says to me when I mention this is how I feel –‘Look up.’ And then I see the simple beauty of the mountains surrounding me with their joy. A small switch of perception in my head.
Life can take on a different perspective when we remember to seek out and appreciate the simple gifts of pleasure that life offers us when we choose to look. The beauty that costs us nothing but reaps many rewards.
I mentioned earlier how I saved my life by becoming able to reach out for help when I was struggling with my addictions and self loathing. I have met many people in my career who have felt that asking for help is a weakness. They are convinced that they should be able to sort things out by themselves. ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘And how has that worked out for you so far?’
Admitting our vulnerability and seeking help from those able to give it - is most definitely a strength. One that takes courage and like my ‘mountains’ reaps huge benefits. We are stronger together and do not have to survive on our own.
Developing the skills of ‘Emotional maturity’ is about having the ability to adapt to life’s challenges. It is not a destination but a life-long process. We honour our sensitivity and make step by step positive changes that nurture and nourish our well-being. Achieving a state of balance in our lives leads us to a place of renewal and hope.
Author of memoir ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity’
Available from www.amazon.co.uk and www.browndogbooks.uk