Becoming Emotionally Mature (Part Two)

As I said last week in Part One (17th Nov) there are many aspects that contribute to becoming an emotionally mature person and we will explore more of these here in Part Two.

We progress along this path, aiming to become all that we can be. In order to achieve this we need to accept our ever changing world, as we recognise that change is an integral part of life.

As emotionally mature people we learn to keep our lives in balance by not over-extending ourselves. We will sometimes act out of obligation but when we do so we are acting out of choice rather than performing our tasks grudgingly. We will have considered the needs of others, in addition to our own personal needs.

We accept responsibility for our own actions and feelings. When we are able to establish our own priorities, and give ourselves permission to say no, we paradoxically free ourselves to say yes with enthusiasm. Keep asking yourself the question: ‘Can I choose this?’

It is when we react rather than respond that a problem develops and we lose our essential fine-tuned sense of balance.

Self-respect is the cornerstone on which we rely for our strength and confidence. Once we have this solid base, we are less likely to react to any slight -real or imagined – that we may experience. We can feel good about ourselves because we have accepted our worthiness in this world.

When I am anxious or worried, this usually means that I am not accepting life as it is. I am focusing on how I would like things to be different. Can I let go of wanting to be in control? The antidote for my anxiety is to keep on keeping on.

To just put one foot in front of the other. To resolve to take that next step. I can realise that I am a worthy human being and I am strong at the broken places. I am doing my best as I discover what is necessary to keep moving forward.

There are some days of course when I am simply unable to do the above. It is also emotionally mature to recognise when I need to stop. My emotional energy tank is empty. I give myself the time to recoup, and re-balance until I am able to move forward again. This means that I am learning how to self- soothe for my overall well-being.

The stories we tell ourselves can make us feel better and this requires us making sense of our experiences. We reflect on what has happened and instead of fitting this into one of our life patterns, - ‘this always happens to me, so what’s the point of trying to change it’ – we can experiment with making a different meaning. We can try a  different story to help us look at the situation differently – ‘It could be that ... or it could be this...’

We can have a written dialogue between the hurting part of ourselves, or our inner critic, and the healing part – our wise counsel that I call my Wise self. We can ask ourselves – ‘What do you need right now?’ If the response is ‘I don’t know’ try saying to the hurting part of yourself – ‘ And if you did know what would you say?’ This is a way of going beyond being stuck by going deeper in your self-soothing process.

As Anne Lamott said - Emotional maturity ( which she calls ‘Grace’) is allowing yourself to see as many chinks of blue sky as you can bear. This time of the year, the world is often grey, rainy and dark, with a thick blanket of cloud. Then something happens and you see a chink of blue sky, which you notice and so you smile. This lifts our spirits.

These chinks of blue sky are simple reminders that there is a ray of hope available in the darkness.

There will always be times when we fall apart and this is another paradox of life. The falling apart and the coming together are essential parts of the whole, just like the light and the dark. We can learn to accept this reality and let there be both. Rather than pushing one away and creating more pressure by the resistance.

Remember our aim is to foster the skills of emotional maturity and develop the wisdom to put them into practice.

As I said before this is a vast area and would you believe there is still more to say on this subject of becoming emotional mature. So there will be a Part Three next week to look forward to. I think I could write another book on this topic alone!!

Author of ‘Wearing Red – One Woman’s Journey to Sanity’

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