Tips For Those Who Support Others (Part Two)

On the courses I ran as a mental health awareness facilitator, I was able to speak as someone who has experience of living with extreme mood swings, depression, recovery from childhood sexual abuse and addiction.

I was often asked for suggestions that would help others - partners; support workers; psychologists; friends; therapists and other professionals - in their relationships with people like myself with mental health challenges (which is most of us!)

(Part One was posted on 26th January 2022 and referred to my Emotional Weather Barometer. Very popular blog with requests to have a photo of it - so have included it as an image for you this week - so you can see what it looks like.)

This is the second part that covers some of the ideas I put together that could help others when they are supporting me. I thought they might be useful in your relationships with others.

1. Just Listen: When I’m sad, low and miserable, and talking to you about this, it’s often best to just listen, rather than tell me about the time when you experienced something similar and how you dealt with it. Unless I specifically ask for that sort of information. These are your experiences. We are all unique and so have different ways of experiencing things. 

2. Be a guide not a fixer. Please don’t try to fix me or give me advice. Unless I ask for that. Giving advice isn’t listening. This is not about you switching the light on for me. I must get to that place myself.

3. No Rainbows Please: When I’ve told you I’m struggling, please don’t send me photos of rainbows, or messages of finding the light. When I’m in the caves, I can rarely see colours or the beauty in things.

4. What Happened to You? Ask me ‘What has happened to you?’ Not ‘What is wrong with you?’ The latter reinforces my feeling of being ‘bad.’

5. Hold the hope and potential for my recovery on my behalf. Especially when I’m not able to do that for myself.

6. Reassure me that I’m not odd or abnormal. As a survivor of childhood trauma, I just had normal responses to abnormal circumstances. Sometimes I need to be reminded of this fact.

7. Be Careful of your Reactions: My stigma of shame and feeling unworthy can be exacerbated by your reactions. Be aware of how you respond to my story. If I see you recoil, flinch or grimace in any way, that reinforces my feeling of being worthless, or damaged. Remember I’m ‘supersensitive and insightful’ as result of what has happened in my childhood so I can sense this stuff in your eyes. 

8. No Judgment Please: I do not need judgment in any shape or form. I’ve been judging myself since childhood. What I do need is acceptance and understanding of my experiences. To understand my behaviour, you need to discover how I see myself and my world.

I hope that you’ve found something in this list that adds some insight into your relationships with others.

Other ideas will be included in my next blog.

My list of suggestions is included in my book - ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity’ . The book contains details of my experiences living with mood swings, depression, addiction recovery and as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. It’s a life affirming story of courage and hope.

It also contains tool kits, as a manual of self-care for your mental well-being.

The book is available on www.amazon.co.uk   and www.browndogbooks.uk