Tips for Self-Care
There was a time on my own recovery path that I spent a great deal of effort always trying to be positive. Which was nigh on impossible. There were a lot of self-help books that inferred this is all you had to do to be content in this world. Make yourself think only positive things.
It took me a lot of therapy to realise that I do not have to waste this mammoth amount of energy in trying to be someone I’m not. The fear, sadness and depressed feelings were as much part of me as the upbeat, cheery feelings. By denying this side of my being, I was telling myself that I was simply not acceptable as I am – a person who lives with mood swings. Acceptance is the key. Acceptance of what is – not how I would have things be.
Today, I think there is such a thing as toxic positivity. This is the belief that we should strive to hold onto a positive mindset, no matter how difficult we are finding life at any given time. The ‘just be happy’ movement has a lot to answer for. Any admonition to supress the darker side of our being is damaging as it invalidates us and our human emotions and encounters. In my experience it can lead to self- despising and feelings of not being good enough.
In his poem, ‘Auguries of Innocence,’ William Blake said that ‘joy and woe are woven fine, clothing for the soul divine.’ Self-care is about acknowledging the whole range of our human emotions. We do not have to describe ourselves as simply a happy person or a sad person. Or a fearful or courageous person. We can experience the whole gamut of these opposites at the same time. Sometimes we just have to sit tight, wait for the storm to pass and hold on for the ride.
Even though I am on medication to manage my extreme mood swings, I still have my black moments. It’s just that they no longer threaten to devour me. I can accept these feelings as a necessary part of myself that is temporary and changing. As the saying goes – This too shall pass. The rain doesn’t last for ever.
I matter and have value just as I am. Today I can own the parts that aren’t shiny. My value is no longer dependent on always being positive and optimistic.
Another tip I can recommend for our well-being is always being a beginner. There is a Buddhist story that says if we have a full cup, no more information or wisdom can get in. It becomes overfull and spills out. In this way we become full of our opinions and speculations. First, we have to empty our cup so that new insights can arise naturally.
In order for something new to come, we must empty ourselves and become a beginner. Spill the old tea and leave space to pour in some fresh ideas.
Always being a beginner rather than being full up with stale information and allowing ourselves to admit when we don’t know something, means being willing to see the world in a fresh way. Like wearing a new pair of spectacles. In this way we become open to the new. A different perspective can bring renewed meaning to our lives.
Self-care is leaning into self-acceptance and acknowledging that we matter just as we are. We never have to justify our value with how much we think we know. We are enough just as we are, with nothing to prove. We each have an inherent value as human beings doing the best we can on this earth.
When we clear out the self-doubt, we intuitively know what we have to do and what path we need to take, one step at a time.
Here is a poem I wrote called:
‘Pathway’
Standing at the junction,
so many ways to tread.
The ultimate question
confronts me ahead…
“Which one?’
I ask quietly.
eyes upward in hope.
The stars whisper
“This one”
as they light up the path.
“Shall I go then?”
I murmur, uncertain and scared.
They wink and remind me,
my heart knows the way,
as I step out in faith
without further delay.
I urge you to make your self-care a priority as you choose your own path.
Author of memoir ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity’
Available at www.browndogbooks.uk (paperback)and www.amazon.co.uk (e-book)