There Will Be Good Bits and Bad Bits

Seeing things in black or white, with no room for grey or shade is an unhelpful form of binary opposites, which limits our possibilities. ‘If you don’t like me then you must hate me.’

An experience can have several good parts and one unpleasant incident and somehow, we manage to combine it all into one hostile event and disregard the pleasurable bits.

The same happens with feedback we receive - there can be many positive comments that please us and then one critical comment that floors us. If you’re anything like me, it’s the negative one that we focus upon as if all the others did not exist.

A life view based on a concept of opposites excludes a whole gamut of other experiences, as we make no room for the in-betweens.

Dreadful    or       Amazing
Up             or       Down
Passion     or       Sterility
Capable     or      Worthless
Full            or      Empty

This trait can stem from a lack of self-worth, never feeling good enough no matter what you do in life.

You may feel that there is always something more you need to do with yourself to become acceptable. If only you could change yourself in some way for the better, then you would find your place in the world.

When you’re in danger of creating rigid opposites, remind yourself that you can reprogramme your mindset, so that you don’t miss out on the value of what lies between these polarities.

Use this mantra to remind yourself - There will be GOOD Bits and BAD bits, and this makes for a good enough experience. 

Try relaxing your own high standards and accept the notion that you don’t have to be perfect to be acceptable to yourself or others.

During a management development programme that I was running with an Executive Director, whose good opinion I was seeking, I remember trying to impress him with all the things I was working to achieve. I regaled him with talk about the book on Odysseus I was writing; the fourth London marathon I was training for; the PhD I wanted to start on creative leadership; and other things on my urgent list. He listened and then floored me by quietly saying: “What are you trying to prove and to whom?”

He had realized that I was always pushing myself to ‘do better’ ‘achieve more’. As if I had to compensate for some perceived deficiency in myself in order to claim my rightful place on this planet, and for people to approve of me or like me better.

If you tend to create opposites in your life, try asking yourself the question:

‘Does what happened make a major difference to my life or am I making something big out of a trifle?   Is this a mountain or a molehill?’

As G.K. Chesterton said there is ‘ecstasy in being ordinary.’  Joining the tribe of the ordinary, does not diminish the ways in which you are unique. 

Events can become ‘good enough,’ containing experiences both good and bad.

Instead of having huge expectations about something you’re looking forward to or dreading, and saying to yourself, ‘this is going to be the best day ever,’ or ‘this is going to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done,’ choose to remind yourself that there will be good parts and bad parts and that will create a ‘good enough’ experience.

Author of ‘Wearing Red - One Woman’s Journey to Sanity’

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