The Power of Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be immensely difficult to put into practice. And yet the art of exoneration is so powerful.
The first step is to forgive ourselves first and foremost for all our indiscretions. We all have limitations and imperfections.
Becoming sober at the age of 38 and working the 12 step programme was the beginning of this journey for me. I undertook a ‘moral inventory’ of my life.
This involved making a list of all the people I had harmed and becoming willing to make amends to them all.
Accepting this process with complete honesty and without any justification or excuses for my behaviour paved the way to clearing my conscience and developing a better understanding of myself.
I am not responsible for the patterns I picked up in childhood but as an adult I am absolutely responsible for fixing them and not repeating such behaviours.
It’s important to say ‘Sorry.’ We can own our mistakes and acknowledge the hurt we have done to others, making amends wherever possible. This allows the power of forgiveness to flow freely in our lives.
However, we must beware of over-apologising. We do not want to become over-accommodating and people-pleasing. This just makes us appear pathetic. There is a fine line to be drawn here.
To stay well, the next step is to free ourselves of all the resentment, hatred and anger we have felt towards others.
Holding resentment against somebody for their actions is a form of inner poison that has the potential to damage our well-being. Forgiveness and making amends is a way of making peace and healing our relationships with ourselves and others. A way of making peace with our past.
I do admit that forgiveness of each person who has harmed us is a difficult process, especially when the person we are pardoning has caused us immense pain.
What I have learned is that until I found the courage to forgive myself and others for wrongs real or imagined, I could not find peace in my life.
If someone has harmed us and we have not dealt with the incident, then we are not at peace with ourselves. This is a huge step if you have been abused as a child. Before I could forgive my father for the sexual abuse he inflicted, I had to work through my feelings of rage and unfairness.
My goal was one of acceptance for what had happened and this required owning my own power to take care of myself today and ensure that I did not allow myself to be abused again. I had to learn to establish boundaries and learn to say no. To let go of a victim mentality.
Forgiving a person does not give them permission to continue the inappropriate treatment. I chose to confront my father about the abuse as a way of reclaiming my own power as an adult.
Finding the courage to forgive does not mean condoning what has been done or not done, or making excuses for that behaviour. It is about releasing ourselves from the heartache and pain of holding onto the hurt and outrage we have felt. This is for our own benefit and for no other reason.
When we have forgiveness we do not hold expectations of any outcomes. As Melody Beattie says – ‘Healing begins with us.’
The power of forgiveness can fill us with compassion and rid us of resentments. It allows us to let go of the past and make a fresh start. As the Buddhist teachings tell us – hate is not healed by hate.
We learn to live and let live.
“Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s a letting go of the hurt.” Mary Bethune
Author of memoir, ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity.’
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