Self Acceptance (Part One)

 “The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.”

Maya Angelou

Self acceptance and self love are big topics. I found myself writing too much for one blog, so I’ve spread it into two weeks. This is Part One.  

Without doubt, we can all do with more of our own kindness, and less self- condemnation.

As you walk into 2022 and whatever this year might hold for you, why not make your main intention to become more accepting of yourself?

This will involve becoming less concerned about other people’s expectations and opinions of you. As Maslow puts it so succinctly – being independent of the good opinion of others.

We convince ourselves that if we could just change this bit of our behaviour, thoughts etc, we would have life sorted.

So many of us believe that if we match up to the expectations of others, then we will gain their approval and acceptance. We all thrive on positive feedback. But when the approbation from others becomes necessary for us to feel good about ourselves - then we have given our power away.

The result is that we are always striving for perfection, to get it right – whatever the ‘it’ may be. The problem is that we never seem to arrive at this place of acceptance – nothing is good enough. So, we keep on striving to achieve more and we still do not feel satisfied with ourselves.

I spent too many years of my life believing that others judged my value on the basis of my accomplishments and professional certificates, always striving to do more, impress others more. My major concern was what other people thought about me.

I damaged my own well-being, every time I measured my self-worth on external approval from others.

I had to learn the hard way that what really mattered was how I felt about myself, regardless of my achievements.

We thrive when we can value our own judgment and accept exactly where we are and who we are, embracing our strengths and our limitations.

We can learn to celebrate our positive attributes. Value our strength, courage and creativity. Accept the power within ourselves.

And in exactly the same way, we need to wholeheartedly embrace the times when we are in doubt and fearful. When anxiety overwhelms us. This part of our being also needs to have her voice, rather than being pushed down and ignored, only to emerge later with more power to deflate our spirits.

Accepting and loving ourselves as we are is the key. This is known as the ‘paradoxical theory of change,’ that we grow by becoming more of what we are, rather than by trying to be different. Discovering and experiencing a level of acceptance for ourselves, exactly as we are today, here and now, paradoxically frees us and can motivate us to move forward to the next part of our journey. 

Fritz Perls says: ” If you go deeper into what you are, if you accept what is there, then a change automatically occurs by itself. This is the paradox of change.“  Vastly different from ‘intentional self-reform,’ trying to follow internal or external admonitions of ‘I should be different.’ 

We create more fulfilling, conscious choices for ourselves in the act of self-acceptance.

Change occurs when a person becomes what she is, not when she tries to become what she is not. Deliberate attempts to change by conscious control or acts of will are usually doomed.

My experience is that we find the power to move forward in life, at the very moment we are able to accept what we are already doing.

Self love involves giving ourselves permission, to value ourselves as we are, with all our foibles, strengths, idiosyncrasies and difference - our unique qualities. This permission offers relief from the self-induced pressure to change and engenders a greater degree of self-acceptance.

Condemning parts of ourselves whilst being pleased with other parts does not serve us well. We benefit from loving all the parts of ourselves - all of who we are.

Remember the quote:

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’

Eleanor Roosevelt

When we can accept and love ourselves exactly as we are there is no doubt that  life becomes more bearable and joyful.