Saying No
This week’s blog is about the art of saying ‘No.’ We can say ‘No’ and still be safe.
Saying ‘No’ to others can be difficult. Saying ‘Yes’ is much easier because we want to be liked. People tend to like us when we say yes to their requests.
However, people-pleasing does not always achieve the desired effect. It tends to benefit the other person, rather than ourselves. We often say ‘Yes’ when it does not serve us and often causes us some harm or discomfort.
Some of us say ‘Yes’ because saying ‘No’ does not feel safe and can trigger a deep-seated fear of abandonment or rejection. This is often rooted in childhood trauma.
Practising saying ‘No’ to requests or situations that are not working for us can relieve feelings of impotence or powerlessness. It is important to remember that we no longer have to stay in unhealthy situations. That was in the past.
We need to remind ourselves that healthy decisions are a prerequisite for staying safe.
If there are certain situations that you cannot handle, it’s essential for your well-being that you find your ‘No.’ Choosing what works for you to stay strong does not make you odd or wrong.
When we’re asked to do something that doesn’t feel right for us, we can give ourselves more time by replying: “I need some time to think about that. I’ll get back to you.”
Or if we’re sure that a ‘No’ is the best option, we can reply: “I find it hard to say ‘No,’ but I want to be honest and tell you that I can’t do that, because…” And fill in whatever the reason is that you are unable to comply with their request.
You could be even braver and more concise by not giving a reason at all. We often give a reason because it makes us feel better.
If it feels right, you could add: “I’d like to suggest some alternatives. How about x, y, or z?” This allows a negotiation to take place to find out what might suit both parties.
I suggest you practise the art of saying ‘No’ more often, when this feels the healthiest option for you, instead of people-pleasing with a ‘Yes.’ It is my experience that you can say ‘No’ as often as you want and still be safe.