Respecting Your Boundaries
Respecting our boundaries allows us to have ownership over our lives and reconnect with ourselves. It’s an important area of self-care.
Boundaries are our non-negotiables in life. If you’re unsure what your boundaries are then it would be a good idea to set some in place for yourself. This means moving past guilt and the ‘should’ mentality to make space for our own priorities in life.
Not answering the phone and letting it go through to voicemail is one boundary that I have chosen to put in place. This gives me crucial moments to decide how I’m feeling and time to respond to any requests on my time and energy. It’s a form of respect for myself.
We often find setting boundaries difficult because of the tension between what we need and other people’s expectations of us. Boundaries are hard because we often worry about what other people will think. It is important that we don’t let guilt control our decisions.
It helps to remember that we always have choices and when we are taking care of ourselves, we will be able to clearly communicate these choices to others.
We cannot expect others to accept our boundaries when we are unable to respect and stick to them ourselves.
Ask yourself the question – am I allowing other people to influence my decisions?
When choosing your boundaries, it helps to take a look at your values. What sort of person do you want to be? What matters to you in your life?
Some of my values that I do my best to align with my boundaries are:
self – respect; having a sense of safety; boldness – to stand up and be counted, speak out and be heard; speak my truth; honesty; integrity; compassion; being trustworthy and authentic – being true to myself and what I stand for in life.
Some people ask me when I know if my boundaries have been dis-respected. My response is that I have a sense of self-betrayal. I have a strong feeling inside myself that often manifests as a bodily sensation – stomach pain, heart beating fast, - a sense of something being wrong with my external circumstances.
To me these are all important signs, that a boundary has been trodden on. Then I can reflect and make sense of what happened and re-confirm that boundary to ensure that this doesn’t happen again.
Boundaries are flexible, changeable and can be removed if not effective. It is always up to me as to how open or closed I will be in any given circumstance. With my boundaries in mind as a guide, I can decide what behaviour is acceptable – both from others and myself.
Understanding our boundaries does not mean that we are trying to force others to change. Instead, it means that we are respecting our own limits and what we need to do in alignment with our values – what matters to us.
Having clear boundaries for myself means that I can give myself permission to say ‘No’ when that is necessary. My boundaries have also helped me to realise that I can choose my battles. Sometimes being at peace with myself is more important than being right. Though there is a fine line between letting something go and standing my ground.
Not getting hooked into something that does not serve me and choosing peace instead, is a lesson that I’ve learned the hard way and wasted a great deal of precious energy in the process.
Respecting our boundaries is a healthy way of taking care of ourselves in crucial moments. Without them we are at the mercy of others’ wishes and desires and bob around like a cork in the water.
Today, with our boundaries in place, we can be true to ourselves, whether or not other people like or agree with us.
Author of memoir ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity’
Available at www.browndogbooks.uk (paperback)and www.amazon.co.uk (e-book)