Facing Our Fears

Just letting you know that there will not be a well-being blog next week, as I am on holiday in Aberystwyth. I’ve been writing the blogs now on a weekly basis for two and half years, so I’ve decided that it’s ok for me to take a vacation for one week.

Normal service will be resumed for the 29th June.

Last week I talked about accepting all the parts of ourselves. This involves facing our fears. Pema Chodron, one of my favourite authors, calls this ‘the wisdom of no escape.’ We try to escape our fears because they scare us.

We put up protective barriers of prejudice, opinions, and strategies which are simply walls that are built on a deep fear of being hurt. Instead, if we were able to lean into our fear, become aware of the feelings, accept them, then we would be able to begin connecting with others from that soft spot of an open heart. Pema calls this the crack in the walls where the light can get in.

In this way we are not avoiding fear. Rather we are relating to our discomfort. We become in relationship with this damaging part of ourselves.

Awareness, Acceptance and Action are the three ‘A’ s of recovery from addiction. They are also crucial aspects of everyone’s lives, not just those of us struggling with dependence.

We can begin to pay attention and become aware of all the ways we try to escape ourselves and our fears. What are the ways we distract ourselves from the reality of our fears?

Is it alcohol; shopping therapy; food; drugs; sex; adventure and thrills; social media; internet; watching hours of TV. Sometimes it’s a good book, or a nurturing walk in nature?

Some of these are gentle and benign, some are dangerous and can become addictive. The point is that we have the capacity to misuse any of these activities. Most of them do not provide any lasting satisfaction.

When we feel insecure and frightened, this can be a symbol that something needs to change. Sticking a plaster over the feelings, or running away from them does not serve us in the long run.

Instead, we can find a different way to act when we are in the middle of our distress and fear. Can we sit with our discomfort without trying to fix it or escape from it.

Can we become curious about our many avoidance tactics? Become observers of ourselves, without criticism or judgment? Sit facing our reality and focus in on the moment, by paying attention to what we are doing?

By taking these steps, and acknowledging what is happening, we have an opportunity to stop harming ourselves in the same old ways.

We can begin to find acceptance of ourselves and those behaviours that lean towards short term pleasures.

I have found that worry and fear can engulf me and alter my perceptions of reality.

Staying in the present, living one day at a time, one moment at a time, are positive steps that I can take to diminish their power.

Paying attention to what we do when fear comes changes the ways we react rather than respond. This new self-awareness can bring a sense of calmness to our minds. Even when we feel scared and anxious, we can walk through these feelings and ask for support if that would be helpful.

When I’m confronted with a task that is new to me, fear strikes. I can tell myself that I simply can’t do this. I don’t want to face it. I might fail. Then when I become aware of what is happening inside me and how fear is holding me back, I shift towards acceptance and a willingness to give it a go. The resistance is overcome by the three ‘A’s I referred to earlier – awareness, acceptance, and action.

Life does go up and down continually. We all get what we don’t want at different times. This is not because of a default in our personal ability to get things right. We are all in transition, facing change and impermanence. This is the natural order of things.

Facing this reality, what we can do is choose to acknowledge the fear and move forward anyway step by step. After all, FEAR is an acronym for ‘False Evidence Appearing Real.’

So, the next time we become paralysed by fear, may we find a level of trust and faith that no matter what happens it will be ok. All shall be well as Dame Julian of Norwich told us so many years ago. There is always a Plan B.

Author of memoir, ’Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity’

Available at www.amazon.co.uk and www.browndogbooks.uk

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Daily Maintenance for Wellbeing Based on 12 Steps

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Accepting All The Parts of Ourselves