Accepting All The Parts of Ourselves

For a long time, I have despised huge chunks of myself and carried a fair dollop of shame about my subsequent actions, prior to my sobriety and solvency recovery.

For my own sanity I have had to learn to integrate all the parts of myself, especially those chunks that I’ve rejected over the years, that are most definitely not shiny. To stop fighting my demons.

There’s a huge difference between an awareness that embracing our shadow side is necessary and actually finding a way to live out that philosophy. As Charlotte Bronte said: “the shadows are as important as the light.”

I had to learn a new way of living that demanded I treat myself with respect and compassion. I have done things I am not proud of but today I choose a different healthier path.

We all deserve to treat ourselves with respect. Accepting all the parts of ourselves as we are, without trying to be different or improve. Doing our best to forgive our imperfections. My favourite quote is : “We’re all just bozos on the bus”. (Wavy Gravy)

Chopping ourselves into sections that we adore and parts we abhor does not serve our well-being, as I’ve learned the hard way.

We create more choices for ourselves with this simple yet difficult act of self-acceptance and owning the parts that aren’t shiny.

So many of us believe that if we match up to the expectations of others, then we will gain their approval and acceptance. We all thrive on positive feedback. But when the approbation from others becomes necessary for us to feel good about ourselves - then we have given our power away.

The result is that we are always striving for perfection, to get it right – whatever the ‘it’ may be. The problem is that we never seem to arrive at this place of acceptance – nothing is good enough. So, we keep on striving to achieve more and we still do not feel satisfied with ourselves.

I spent too many years of my life believing that others judged my value on the basis of my accomplishments and professional certificates, always striving to do more, impress others more. My major concern was what other people thought about me.

I damaged my own well-being, every time I measured my self-worth on external approval from others.

I had to learn the hard way that what really mattered was how I felt about myself, regardless of my achievements.

We thrive when we can value our own judgment and accept exactly where we are and who we are, embracing our strengths and our limitations.

We can learn to celebrate our positive attributes. Value our courage and creativity. Accept the power within ourselves. And in exactly the same way, we need to wholeheartedly embrace the times when we are in doubt and fearful. When anxiety overwhelms us. When we are irritable and judgmental.

This part of our being also needs to have her voice, rather than being pushed down and ignored, only to emerge later with more power to deflate our spirits.

Not shutting down on ourselves, even the parts we don’t like that are not shiny requires openness and finding a non-judgmental space.

Feeling desolate can humble us – makes us vulnerable.  Instead of the usual desire to reject this feeling, can we instead lean into it and accept it as an essential part of being human? We can become aware of our mistakes and our pettiness. All the sides of ourselves that are darker.

Arlo Parks says that the thing about being vulnerable is that it leaves us open to the possibility of being hurt, But it also opens us up to the possibility of healing.(Interview with Sophie Walker ‘I’ paper 26th May 2023)

Condemning and rejecting parts of ourselves, whilst being pleased with other segments does not serve us well. We benefit from loving all the parts of ourselves - all of who we are.

Remember the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’

There is no doubt that  life becomes more bearable and joyful, when we can accept and love ourselves exactly as we are ,with all our foibles, idiosyncrasies difference, light and shade. All of the parts that form our uniqueness.

Author of ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity.’

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