Developing Loving Kindness For Yourself (Part Two)

This is Part Two of the subject about Developing Loving Kindness for Yourself, which is a tool I use when I feel as if I’ve been blown off course. It’s a complement to last week’s blog which you can find here.

When things don’t go well, and you’re frustrated, tired, feeling anxious, powerless or small, then it’s even more important than ever to use the one power that’s always available to you – to practice the power of self-kindness.

If a friend was struggling in this way, I would offer them compassion and understanding. That is what we can learn to give ourselves. Even though I find this difficult to do, the more I practice developing loving kindness for myself, the easier it becomes.

It’s important to remind yourself when life looks bleak, that you are good enough.

You don’t have to do better or be different. The best you can do is to be good enough.

By all means encourage yourself, learn and improve, but let this happen from a place of awareness, not as a weapon to use against yourself. As you continue to become more accepting of the way things are, your life will become more gentle and joyful.

When you have to face the hurdles that life throws in your path, this is time to slow down, step back from the crisis and remember to ask yourself quietly:

‘What do you need right now? 

At such times, I soothe myself with some much-needed time out, writing down my feelings in a journal, with free-flow writing, where I just let rip and scribble everything down, ranting onto the paper. Then I’m more able to stop pacing like a tiger and rest. This eases the steam building from the pressure cooker valve. Slowly the panic and anger dissipate and I remind myself that soon I will find the courage to move forward.

None of us can make good decisions in the eye of the storm. We have to wait until things calm down. When some time has passed, things become clearer and we become more aware of what needs to be done next.

A wise mentor put it to me this way. What would you do and how would you feel if you had a friend who went around with you all day, every day constantly whispering into your ear, negative comments like, ‘You’re just not good enough. You don’t make the grade. You don’t look right. You’re not doing this right. You’ll never match up to their expectations?’  

Well, the answer’s obvious – I would feel dreadful, miserable, and upset with myself. I might then become angry and tell the friend that this isn’t at all helpful and would they either please stop this or go away. And maybe I’d realise that they weren’t actually being a very good friend, and I’d be better off without them.

And of course, this leads to the questions: So why do we do this to ourselves constantly? Don’t we deserve an inner voice that supports us, nurtures us, and tells us that we’re doing just grand as we are? 

The reality of life is that no one else can give you the key to self-acceptance, as Eleanor Roosevelt said:

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ 

So, if you are feeling ‘less than’ because of someone else’s actions or lack of them, this usually signals that you have an internal need that isn’t being met by yourself.  The paradox is that as you give yourself the loving kindness and acceptance that you need, and deserve as a human being, you unwittingly begin to attract this from others.

What I do know is that my strength and courage return only when I have been able to give myself loving kindness and compassion. This is certainly a practice worth developing.