Acceptance Is The Key

Accepting life on life’s terms, rather than how you would have things be, is one of the most difficult practices to develop. Yet this simple word ‘acceptance’ holds a key to emotional and mental wellbeing. This is such an important area to grasp, and also a tough one.

The Serenity prayer is one of the simplest and well known of its kind: 

‘Grant me the wisdom

to accept the things, I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference

(Version of Reinhold Niebuhr’s prayer)
 

The last line is the most important - the ‘wisdom to know the difference.’ Knowing when to act to change something and when to step back and accept events as they are.

This is my interpretation of the prayer:

1) Accept the things you can’t change - the events that happen in your life.

2) Assess realistically what action you can take (if any) and then do that.

3) If that solves the situation that’s great. Well done.

4) If not then you’ve done your best and you’re now powerless over this situation.

5) Sit on your hands and wait and see what happens.

This quote from Bill Wilson, one of the founders of AA, sums this up so well: 

“Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, the people about us as they are. This is to adopt a realistic humility without which no genuine advance can begin. This is an exercise in acceptance that we can profitably practice every day of our lives.” 

A useful mantra to repeat when things aren’t going to plan is the word ‘Powerless.’ This helps remind you that you have no power over people, places, or things. The only life you have power over is your own. The only changes you can make are within yourself. Trying to fix or change other people is simply not possible.  

I used to think that accepting I am powerless over people, places, and things, took away my power. Instead, I’ve come to realise that with this level of acceptance, that I have no control over others, or the events in my life, I actually become more powerful.  

It is possible to let go of wanting to change others or events that are currently happening, and instead develop a level of acceptance of your present circumstances, just as they are at any given moment.  

You can use the Serenity prayer to help change the things that you are physically capable of changing and then let go of the outcome. Remind yourself constantly that you only have power over your own attitudes, emotions and thoughts. 

This requires accepting exactly where you are and who you are – to embrace your strengths and your limitations – for they have all served you well. When you experience the strength and the push to move forward – celebrate those times in acceptance of the power within yourself.  

And in exactly the same way, you need to wholeheartedly embrace the times when you are in doubt and fear, feeling small and powerless. This is the art of becoming whole – the essential ingredients of synthesis, which we all seek. 

Self- acceptance is one of the cornerstones of self-esteem. Accepting ourselves as we are. This is known as the ‘paradoxical theory of change’ – that we grow by becoming more of what we are, rather than by trying to be different.  

The key here lies with the act of acceptance. Discovering and experiencing a level of acceptance for yourself exactly as you are today, here and now, paradoxically frees you and motivates you to move forward to the next step - the next leg of your journey.

Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt therapy, says that if you go deeper into what you are, if you accept what is there, then a change automatically occurs by itself.  This is the paradox of change.   

My experience is that we find the power to move forward in life, at the very moment we are able to accept what we are already doing.  We need to stand in one place in order to have a firm footing to move, as it is difficult or impossible to move without that footing.  

As I said at the beginning accepting life on life’s terms is challenging, but what I do know is that the more I practice the art of acceptance, eventually I get better at handling what is actually happening.