WEARING RED - One Woman’s Journey to Sanity
I’ve been asked to include a blog about my book, so I thought ‘Why not’? Some of you might want to treat yourselves for the New Year.
I’m including bit of blurb about the book and some extracts to give you a taster (or a refresher for those of you who’ve already read my story.) So this blog will be a bit longer than usual. Bear with me.
‘Wearing Red’ is a powerful, deeply moving and life-affirming story that reveals the devastating effect of childhood trauma on mental health. It’s about my quest to discover how to live with debilitating mood swings and reclaim my sanity.
The book bears witness to the sexual abuse that happened in my father’s house and my story is told in fragments of defining moments. These are stitched together into a tapestry that reveals my passage into alcohol and debt addiction, depression and self-abuse, until I found the wisdom, courage and support to create a new path of recovery, finding freedom and overcoming shame.
This is what one person said about my book:
“ This is a beautifully written book that uses prose, poetry and self-help advice to take the reader on a journey from Eva’s past trauma to her current mental and physical health... She outlines how she uses a variety of methods to overcome her past to experience a fulfilling present.” (Cheryl Kuczynski)
My book is testimony to the power of releasing secrets, speaking out and being heard, A raw, courageous, uplifting story that moves through the agonies of mental health challenges to the path of forgiveness, survival and transformation.
Here are some extracts from the book:
PROLOGUE
It’s official. Wearing bright colours is a symptom of mental illness.
The “depression-guide.com” website declares in the ‘bi-polar disorder symptoms’ section:
“The patient’s activities may have a bizarre quality such as dressing in colourful garments”
Never thought it was a problem having a passion for wearing red, yellow or blue outfits.
Who needs a psychiatrist to diagnose my mood swings when all that matters is which colour outfits I choose?
According to common vernacular, I am also entitled to be described as:
“Bananas. Barking mad. Bonkers. Batty
Crazy as a box of frogs. Crackpot. Cuckoo. Crackers.
Delirious. Demented. Deranged. Doolally.
Few sandwiches short of a picnic.
Insane.
Lunatic. Looney
Mad as a hatter.
Nutter. Not the full shilling
Non compus mentis.
Off my trolley. Off with the fairies.
Unstable. Unhinged. Paranoid.
A round peg in a square hole.”
The language we use around ‘madness’ exacerbates the stigma and shame of living with mental challenges, which in turn results in us feeling ‘different or odd.’
To help improve awareness around mental health we who belong to the ‘crazy tribe’ need to tell our stories.
Be heard.
Speak out.
There is power in the stories we tell.
This is my story. My truth. Truth has many sides.
If I am the story, I can change that story, to find some order in my particular version of chaos.
Major Recovery Step Five: Me
Changing my name. Becoming Eva Melissa Roshan 2004
Reinvent myself. That’s how I would cut the ties with my past.
Goodbye to the names I’d been given at birth, and other versions through marriages. Time to choose my own names that meant something to me. To make this legal I would change my name by deed poll. My Chippewa ancestors would be proud of me, as they had a tradition of re-naming themselves at important transitional life stages. My great, great grandmother was the daughter of a Chippewa Chief.
Out came the baby books. Jonny and my daughter helped with the selection.
My first choice was ‘Eva Melissa Rock’.
EVA – has ancient connotations and means ‘the living one’; ‘full of life’ and ‘mother of life’. All significant to me, in reclaiming myself as a mother and as a powerful woman.
MELISSA - sounded light-hearted and fun. The name has a mythological connection to a Greek goddess of the Minoan culture who introduced the use of honey from the bee, bringing sweetness to the world. The Persian meaning is ‘red rose’.
(ROCK) - had a North American Indian connection, meaning solid energy & there are lovely stories about Grandfather Rock. My youngest daughter, Camille felt this sounded too rigid, so she searched on line for similar names. By mistake, she pressed ‘Persian names’ and ‘Roshan’ appeared. A much better twang. So ‘Roshan’ I became.
ROSHAN - Persian for shining light – which I loved. According to one baby name website: ‘She knows’ I found recently, this is the character of a
‘Roshan’:
“people with this name have a deep inner need for quiet, and a desire to understand and analyse the world they live in, and to learn the deeper truths. They tend to be creative and excellent at expressing themselves. They are drawn to the arts, and are often the centre of attention, enjoying careers that put them in the limelight. They tend to become involved in many different activities, and are sometimes reckless with both their energies and with money.”
People who know me well will smile at this synchronicity.
On 31st March 2004, ‘EVA MELISSA ROSHAN’ officially came to life.
Great name Eva.
To celebrate the significance of this change in my life, I organised a Naming Ceremony for myself & few close women friends at Midsummer, on Sunday 20th June 2004 at 2pm. Lots of cake and candles. A ritual ceremony to let go of being Carol and welcome in the birth of Eva.
10 close women friends and Jonny (our token male) joined me to celebrate, at our home in Portishead. They brought symbolic tokens for ‘Eva’s naming table’, which I still cherish today. We danced around the pond, carrying candles, chanting Buddhist prayers, then sat in the summerhouse to share blessings and stories. I made a speech affirming what this ceremony meant to me, and the meaning of my new names. I quoted from John O’Donahue’s book ‘Eternal Echoes’:
“It is a massive task for someone who has been abused as a child to love and reclaim themselves. Abuse wants to turn the abused child against itself. To learn to break this inner reflex of violation is a task that can only be achieved with the help of wise and caring healers, and the kindness of grace.”
My tribe of special people with me that day knew they were part of my network of ‘wise and caring healers’. Each one had made their contribution.
As a symbol of my name change, I walked across the log that acted as a bridge over our massive pond, symbolising my letting go of Carol, and returned across the bridge with birthday balloon in hand, triumphantly as Eva Melissa Roshan. Then we ate lots of cake and laughed. A precious day.
Choosing my own names and having a naming ceremony with loving witnesses was a ritual of self-healing and a significant mark of respect for myself.
In conclusion, I would just like to say that my story is about the possibility for change. I wrote the book as an act of self-healing and well-being. My intention is for the book to become testimony to the power of releasing secrets, speaking out and being heard.
I am a capable and powerful woman, who has transcended my past, regardless of the odds stacked against me. My story in ‘Wearing Red’ is an act of hope. If this helps one person find a way through their darkness, then I’ve achieved a goal.
