Practising The Art of Compassion
It seems to me that there is always something in life that can trip us up. Just when we think we have things sorted, along comes the next challenge. There is always the next step to take.
This can lead to obsessive thinking, which consumes our energy. Returning again and again to this moment, being present to ‘what is’ can help to balance the mind.
I’m just coming out of a period of overwhelm, which I talked about last week. Right now, I do find that focusing on an intention to develop compassion, assists me in discovering more blue chinks of sky in the day.
I can always find some person, place, or thing not quite to my liking and then all the blue chinks in the sky seem to disappear, as I magnify the molehill into a large looming mountain.
We can have a profoundly negative or positive effect on someone without knowing it just by the things we say and do. None of us really know what others are facing in their lives and I find that the best way forward is to develop the art of kindness and compassion towards them. Treat my fellow human beings with the respect and courtesy that I would like for myself.
Holding compassion for another human being who is struggling does not mean that I am responsible for removing their pain. We do, however, have the ability to listen and understand with empathy. In that way we can lift each other up. All any of us want deep down is to love and be loved.
However, before I can extend compassion to others, I have to forgive myself for all my own imperfections. One of the hardest things I’ve had to work on is developing self-compassion. Reminding myself on a daily basis that I need to be gentle and understanding with myself. Then I am in a more stable position to focus on others. We all deserve to treat ourselves with dignity and respect. I am no better or less than anyone else
John Ruskin said that the question is not what we can scorn, disparage, or find fault with, but what we can love, value and appreciate.
We often criticise those around us, when we would benefit from focusing on how we are feeling. Our own self-esteem may be at a low ebb. Sometimes we need to give ourselves compassion rather than run someone else down.
When I’m being disparaging of someone else, one of my 12 step sponsors suggested that I try the task of going 24 hours without speaking unkindly of another person. It’s a tool to become aware of how much we gossip and criticise. This is hard to put into practice. I don’t think I’ve ever managed the full 24 hours!
When we find ourselves judging another person, it is useful to remember that no one is ever made better by being criticised. We all thrive on being encouraged and nurtured.
It is not always easy practicing the art of compassion and kindness. It requires a certain level of sensitivity towards others. A paying of attention. A listening so we can intuit what would be most appreciated by them. Often that is enough. Most of us want to be listened to and heard.
As Pema Chodron says in her book, ‘When Things Fall Apart’ to relate with others compassionately is a challenge. Really communicating from the heart and being there for another person, means not shutting down on that person, which means not shutting down on ourselves.
We start with ourselves. Instead of blaming others or making them right or wrong, can we find a middle way? Not hanging onto our version of life too tightly. Could we have no agenda when communicating with others? Could we see, hear, feel other people as they really are? Could we not shut anyone out of our hearts and not make them the enemy?
As we learn to have compassion for ourselves – all the parts of ourselves, even those we don’t like – our circle of compassion for others becomes wider.
We have no idea what people are going through when we are being derogatory about them. My Buddhist teacher Mandy constantly reminds me to look for the good in people. To find the jewel in their heart, which may be hidden and yet is there to be found if I choose to look hard enough.
The art of living well is in developing compassion for ourselves and others.
Author of ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity.’
Available at www.amazon.co.uk and www.browndogbooks.uk