Overcoming Insecurity of Self

 I’ve just faced a big fear in my life and given my first talk about my book ‘Wearing Red – One Woman’s Journey to Sanity.’  The dialogue in my head prior to the event ran along the lines of ‘What will people think of me?’ Will people find my story meaningful and supportive? Will my hands shake? Will I appear too nervous? Will I be good enough?’

My fears are usually about not being good enough, which stem from the deep shame I have to constantly overcome of being ‘wrong’ in some way, as a result of the traumatic childhood sexual abuse I experienced.

The event went well and I have affirmed yet again the reality that I am good enough and I did my best.

This insecurity of self has an impact on the quality of my life and can stop me from doing certain things that would benefit me. I’m always chasing perfection, which is exhausting and trying to overcome my critical self-judgment.

I’ve just finished reading a useful book, called ‘Free Yourself from Fear’ by Dr Lucy Atcheson, which contains some valuable tips that I thought I’d share with you. I found it helped me see fear in a different light and provided some practical ways to overcome this human emotion that we all share in different ways.

She comments that almost every fear stems from the belief that we cannot cope with the challenges facing us. Whatever the form our fear takes, it’s not the actual event, situation or object that’s the problem, it’s how we perceive it. We become concerned with what might happen to us as a result of the event and not the event itself. 

An interesting twist on the subject of fear sometimes referred to as ‘False Expectation Appearing Real.’

These are the tips I gleaned from Dr Atcheson’s book to help overcome insecurity of self and this constant self-monitoring:

1.    Use this repetitive mantra as reassurance - ‘I am good enough as I am’

2.    What we perceive is always worse than what really happens.

3.    Compliment yourself. I received a card before my talk which said in big bold letters - You Are Amazing. Just what I wanted to hear and see. A valuable reminder.

4.    Make a list of all the positive things about yourself you can think of – then read this list every day.

5.    Liking yourself is the starting point for recovery from insecurity of self.

6.    You don’t have to change who you are. Instead, you can change how you perceive yourself.

7.    Before going to bed congratulate yourself on three things that you did well today. No matter how small.

8.    Live your life as if you really believe you deserve it.

9.    Challenge your critical voice every time you become aware of it. Remember this critical self-talk does not serve you. It merely feeds your insecurity and fears.

10. Spend five minutes each day visualising how you would like to feel and how your life would be if you were free of this anxiety.

11. Practice breathing deeply in and out of your nose. As I do this, I say to myself – Breathing in peace. Breathing out turmoil. This helps me unclench my clamped teeth.

12. With my fear of driving, I visualise myself daily driving the car safely. I repeat to myself –‘I can do this. This is me.’

13. We can change the way we perceive our fear.

Anxiety does not develop overnight. It is cumulative. And this is why it can only be overcome by cumulative action. Each time we use these tips to overcome our fears, we chip away at the anxiety. We rebuild our self esteem

I’ll leave you with the words of Dr Atcheson: “Be tough on the fear...Be gentle with yourself.”

Author of ‘Wearing Red, One Woman’s Journey to Sanity.’

Available at www.browndogbooks.uk for book and www.amazon.co.uk for Kindle